renasci00's Xanga

once upon a time

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:36:47 GMT

Once upon a time there was the melancholic me, the uber-excitable me and there was this blog.
Now neither truly exists because I became human became normal became calm and mundane

And it's been a while since I've sat solitary in my room and heard once more the hollow whispers of the wind and felt that momentum of peace and bittersweet sadness diffuse through my core

And I'm reminded of me, a different me, the me I know trusted and true

There are so many mes and sometimes I get confused.
Life goes by so fast that I forget to reflect to digest to inhale

The future . . . I was excited but now am intimidated by its uncertainty
CARMs. the final exam. Residency. Fellowship. Job finding. . .

Can I do all this? sometimes I worry if I can ever study properly again
If I'll get through this and that and everything

akathisia . . . I feel that studying induces akathisia and the cure is staring blankly into space

I'm derailing I'm thought blocking I'm generally worried . . . not really but sort of

but I'll get through what's ahead because I can because I'm me because I have done it in the past one step at a time because they died with smiles calling my name
because I am fulfilling dreams

Friday, July 24, 2009

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 12:52:38 GMT

I really need skills to deal with shitty residents who don't teach and make you feel 1 inch tall when you try to help them out . . . because I just met one today who I just feel like slapping.

Dreamy blue eyes

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 03:17:29 GMT

Do you believe that some people are natural flirts or is it that overtime they have taken notice of their physical qualities and are using it to their advantage. The key is intention. Is it a subconscious vs. conscious maneuver?

There's a resident on my internal medicine team who have these dreamy blue eyes, the kind that calls out to you with its intensity of gaze and finishes off with a smooth smile. He's the stereotyped Mr. Popular and definitely creates a presence around him; he carries himself with unassuming dignity and a gliding sense of clever humor. The kind that can cork an awkward moment or slide you out of trouble. Overall his presence reminds me of another who I met years prior - I am quite confident that he's acutely aware of his good looks, smooth voice and charming demeanor - and also acutely aware of what that combination can accomplish for him: it is subtle manipulation at its best!

Example:
"Oh Jane can you do me a favor? Can you ____________?" *smile*
later, to another resident: "Isn't Jane the nicest person? ....." *smile*

This topic came to mind because of two things:

1. My own reaction. I'm the type of person who's shy around guys I don't know. I've never known the art of flirting and have yet to consciously attempt it. So instead of light-hearted banter, I find myself embarrassed by the intensity of his gaze and my inadvertent avoidance response (e.g. divert my eyes quickly). In general, I tend to create an atmosphere of tension when there is no reason for any! I need to act . . . normal! (Note: I have no crush/feelings for said person. It's the general type of reaction I have that bothers me.)

2. I want to learn from him - I envy those who can write off anything with their gliding humor. That part of my brain seems to have atrophied in-uteral =( At work I don't shmooze and instead focus on the barebones of what needs to be done. To me outside of works is the time for fun and games and overflowing conversations. But now more and more I'm learning that my disposition puts me at loss - at the workplace it's all about getting people to like you - and part of that is getting to know them and spending time with them DURING work.

Fat exists for a reason - it lubricates and smooths out the bumps and lumps of bone-on-bone action. It's time to transform all that physical fat into mental and behavioral fat and let it work it's magic on Janey =).

Entanglement

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 04:04:09 GMT

I'm a kitten with a ball of yarn and trouble usually naturally follows. And before I know it, with effortless grace I would once again resubmit to that cycle of disentanglement. Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Academically.

Sometimes it all snowballs out of control. Sometimes I feel it's too much. Sometimes I worry that it's killing me slowly instead of making me stronger.

The miraculous balance of life have produced a being that is simultaneously growing and dying.
I better be growing faster than I am dying; for now, anyways.

With time these moments are forgotten, crumpled away in an archive of zeros and ones; what's left are sunny photos of smiling faces, of times being surrounded by joy, love and laughter - not these times, when one is alone, suffering and powerless while the world is spinning away and out of control, while everyone else seems to be keeping their balance.

But for now it's real. And I'm real-listic and calm and I will do this once more, because I have, because I can, because life pushes on forward full-throttle and there is no other way.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 16:12:36 GMT

For money you can have everything it is said. No, that is not true. You can buy food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; soft beds, but not sleep; knowledge but not intelligence; glitter, but not comfort; fun, but not pleasure; acquaintances, but not friendship; servants, but not faithfulness; grey hair, but not honor; quiet days, but not peace. The shell of all things you can get for money. But not the kernel. That cannot be had for money.

-Arne Garborg

Friday, December 12, 2008

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 04:21:32 GMT

Inthespiritofgiving...
Janey needs the following things for X'mas! (that she'd have to purchase anyways come jan =P )

1. eye cream
2. wireless mouse
3. Shoe stretcher
4. Highlighter
5. shampoo
6. leather belt

In other news . . . I was reading my last protected post that I now made private. Reading it made me feel disconnected from my former thoughts, which now seem so isolated in its vaccum of time and space. I guess I only write on xanga when I'm contemplative or depressed =P That phase of wanting to entertain others with pretty aspects of my life seem to have faded =P

I'm on my psychiatry rotation of clerkship... which is known for being the "chillest" of the rotations. Other than that, I'm in geriatrics psychiatry for these 3 weeks... which means that my mental and physical functioning seems to have slowed to match the patients ..... =P I'm only half-joking, which is the scary part . . . I do feel slowed and more sleepy and lazy somehow O.o... I love where I'm working though.... because after work I get to walk back home along the rows of trendy boutiques that line Queen St, Toronto. Running = 18 min. Walking = 30. Window shopping = 1.5 hrs ... Today one of the psychotic schizophrenic patients made my day =P He may be delusional and think he is Jesus and part of the Second Coming, but he sure knows how to work it to his advantage with the ladies! LOL "I am the creator you know, so you should thank me for making you so beautiful" ... This makes up for me being yelled at for days by the old, severely demented, schizophrenic lady who calls me stupid and yells at me to go away every time I say hi =P I even stopped wearing black for the fear that she'll mistake me for the Jewish group that she claims to beat her at night and give her back and chest pain . . .

Psyc is really really interesting. I do have a new found respect and interest for psyc. But I wonder if it's too much of a "crazy" thing and whether I'll like it in the long run . . .

How "Rock, Paper and Scissors" inspired me to spend 1 hr writing on xanga

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 06:44:40 GMT

The very emphasis on an ideal often means that the reality is far from it - but that doesn't take away from the allure of pursuing the impossible. Society constructs a cultural role model and the masses strive to emulate it consciously and subconsciously. It's the way of culture - the people amidst the craze are the most influenced and also the least aware. Yes, I finished another Asian drama (called Rock, Paper, Scissors - handsome guys btw) and is at least transiently touched by the exemplified simple life - where the kind, generous, hardworking people overcome hardships to live happily ever after.

Why is asian popular culture so different from western dramas? There was no sex and only scant depictions of physical attraction - there was only 2 kissing scenes that occurred at the very end of the 26 episode series - yet we witness the strong emotional attraction and dependence that develops, which is so fundamental to the asian culture - or so we would like to think. In a world of hidden motives and political agendas, imbalance of wealth, resources and opportunities, the strength of kindness, honesty, loyalty and personal sacrifice keeps one grounded and true to ourselves. Integrity - that's the less fluffy terminology.

So why do the countless dramas aimed at entertaining asian youth and adults follow the same cookie-cutter principles of an grossly inaccurate world? In the west, Disney fairytales are known and accepted as the bread and butter of children's entertainment - they cater to the naive and vulnerable minds of innocent hearts and are not expected to be taken seriously. So why is there such a discrepency in the target audience for a very similar genre? I'm sure this is one of the many forces that perpetuate the sets of behavior characteristics that can be generalized to asian males and females. And I myself don't fall short of expectation - when I smile at the patients in the clinic I'm sure I come across as the sweet little student doctor they might want to pet on their way out. I don't know when and where I've acquired this affect on strangers but it's here and done.

And if one scans through the female asian population there is a correlation between degree of western influence and degree of outward sex appeal. The most white-washed are often the sexy, classy vixens while the fobs are the cute dolls; with the former almost always appearing more confident, experienced and mature. In this 21st century mixing-pot, it seems that the image projected and reinforced by the dominant asian culture automatically puts them at a disadvantage when the multitudes of cultures collide. And this does not make sense from an evolutionary point of view - disadvantageous behavior is supposed to shrivel in the wake of competition.

So then, there must be another reason why this seemingly illogical form of entertainment or cultural norm is flourishing among the asian communities. And if so, what is it?

When I was in university I was very affected by a comment made by an acquaintance-friend - that she felt I should branch out more from the Asian culture to more thoroughly explore this mixing-pot world. Through awkwardness and embarrassment and sometimes a sense of isolation and lack-of-belonging, I've tried time and again to immerse myself into the western culture and be that confident, classy, sexy vixen. And time and again, I've retreated into the comfort of stereotypical asianness with the hope of one day breaking free from the small baby steps. And this has contributed to my sense of confusion about my personal identity - the type of person I want to be and who I am and who I "truely" am. Over the years, cuteness as a descriptor never escaped me and I am at best cute-sexy with the help of makeup and a flirtatious outfit. This has made me wonder if my "true" denominator is cuteness and if that IS my "true" self.

While I equate cuteness with immaturity, there's very little evidence that indeed that is so when it comes to dealing with life. The confident, classy, sexy vixen can wreck havoc with all sorts of emotional and relationship problems trailing in the aftermath. The cute little asian doll can be grounded and dependable and emerge from life's tough patches with an almost unbecoming calmness and discipline.

So there's no real conclusion to the personal identity of Jane. I'm still exploring rather aimlessly, but I've acquired more awareness of my own disposition and its relation to mass culture. I never thought of myself as a sheep but here I've been bahhhhhhhhing loud and clear, all along.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 05:19:28 GMT

An Ode to Alice et al.,

an outward exuberance peels from the flesh like brittle casts of paint
because it is inwardly hollow and intrinsically without tones
because one is always propelled forward, on the go, tip-toeing, almost falling almost tripping but still safe
and it can't be stopped.
wind won't be stopped
so quit stumbling and
fly.

maybe there is no one to hold me by the hand
but I do have my parachute.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 21:02:39 GMT

Sometimes the world is too hard to grasp, too fast to keep abreast, too vast to see clearly.
Sometimes one asks for too much.
and sometimes others help to put things back into perspective.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 21:16:31 GMT

Sunset, Emo, Ontario. Aug 29, 2008.

My new camera, the Canon D40, is very powerful, but also a nuisance to haul around my shoulder . . .

Somedays I wonder what has happened to me. I blank out sometimes when names of people and abstractions flicker out of memory - things I should know and did know. I'm too young to be forgetting so easily.

Everyday I learn humility. There is so much to learn, not only of knowledge but of the ways of living. This year I have a new goal - to observe the ways of people. EQ, here I come.

from Jane