afloat

when the sea parts my mind, I breathe
I open my eyes in slow motion,

I wish to live each waking moment only to realize
my life is on fast forward and I freeze in between the frames
stunned at the blur of memories, the numbing madness of my life
the chaotic nothingness that fills my inerds
the bloating. the pain of inaction. the pain of disappointment
the pain of thinking. feeling. I want to learn. to better myself
but am I my own impediment

am I too much of a person. too little of a friend, a lover, a daughter

and how do i stay afloat. how do i fly
how do i smile once again, radiantly like a child

my brow furrows. I choke my speech. my voice rings and cuts the air
until it was too late
it rippled too high and too far

water shakes and bubbles explode into vapour
I inhale only to exhale only to breathe

I breathe, because for me there is one answer and one answer alone

 to keep living. to keep walking. to keep trying.

to wake. to stand tall and smile at the sky

the water soaks my face. I am a bit stronger.

Ups and Downs

Have just spent some time reading older posts, some of which I've read in the past but those memories have long faded.

Perhaps every tragedy begin in good spirit. All things rise and fall, as must our emotions. 

yet if undulation is the pattern of life, why do we strive for eternal homeostasis - stillness - that vertical line.

that vertical line is death. asystole. life pulsates full of love and grief. to feel is to be human.

I must embrace all, even if i may not be strong enough.

acceptance.

it's been a long time

since I've had a thought like this - the kind that brings me back to xanga

the kind that taps into the crevice of my mind and sinks deeper
lets me exhale slowly
and want to write about the slow moment that just transpired

it started with an image of a carnival by the sea
and the inkling that I've been there once upon a time

somewhere. where was this. i was transfixed by that image
so still yet so alive, so vivid yet ephemeral like the frames off a
movie, a book - but no
it was my memory - a chipped piece of paint from that once lavishly painted mansion

and I crept into the crevice
and I grew desperate
flustered
was it real was it a dream until finally it came rolling tumbling out

the answer. ah. nymeigen (spell?) neitherlands.

and i was back to reality, back to life to the me in the now

but for a while it felt unreal as if
I was reliving another life elsewhere so long ago
once upon a time.

Motivation

Nice quote!